You're Probably Wondering

You’re probably wondering why I showed up at your grandfather’s wake in a ghillie suit.

You’re probably wondering why your landlord has removed the stairs from your building without advanced notice.

You’re probably wondering why aliens made perfect geometrical shapes in your neighbor’s cornfield but then merely scrawled “That’s what she said” onto yours.

You’re probably wondering when rainbows grew middle fingers to wave at you.

You’re probably wondering if that was all a dream, why the professor you have a crush on is still at the foot of your bed, with the body of a seal, sucking upon your toes.

You’re probably wondering about all of the places Axl Rose’s mouth has been as he pauses cleaning his teeth, a glob of paste oozing down his chin, to ask if it’s ok that he’s using your toothbrush.

You’re probably wondering why the same people who once believed your birth to be a miracle now believe your death would be one.

You’re probably wondering how someone who is so beautiful, and hates the Statue of Liberty even more than you do, is single.

You’re probably wondering why John Cusack keeps welcoming you to the third floor.

You’re probably wondering when the dentist is going to put down that novel of erotica and thrust his instrument into your warm, supple mouth, filling your aching cavity.